“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
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Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
🤭😂
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck