After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
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“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.