On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
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Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?