Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
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When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
my favorite genre of twitter
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me