You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
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“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I hate everything
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
This is my brand.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.