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ForrestGump
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ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
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9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.