Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
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3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
😬
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Goodnight 🐶
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”