There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
That’s amazing.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.