Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
You Might Also Like
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Baking is just science you can eat.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.