ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
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I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda