My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
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My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Overindulged this afternoon.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.