[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
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Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
saving face 👀
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download