Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
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If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.