“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
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GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas