JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
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You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.