Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
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wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.