Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
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Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.