Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms