Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
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Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.