[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
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I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Leonardo DiCaprisun
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe