A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
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“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
She was rare, like a goth jogging
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
😎 🍻
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.