The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
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if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself