You can’t rush stupid.
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Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Cat.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”