I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
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Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
<- sleeps well with others
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.