I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
The honesty is refreshing
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?