Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
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Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.