wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
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[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
584.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
pls suprot
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.