EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
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Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer