Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
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2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
“our sushi is very fresh”