Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
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I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Saw online –
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”