Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
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9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.