Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
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The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out