Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
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Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.