Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
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All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!