Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
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friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open