[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
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Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you