I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
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I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
“That’s what” – She
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
my proudest tweet
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.