Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
You Might Also Like
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!