Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
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ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*