i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Gods work.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats