Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
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Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I can’t be the only one 😂
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”