I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
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Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.