[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
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My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”