Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
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I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?