Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
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My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
ready to be harvested
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
catch me on valentine’s day like
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
🤣🤣🤣
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅