If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
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[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I like long walks away from everyone
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT