Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
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True statement👍😏😁
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs