Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
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Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys