“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
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Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.