my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
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Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me